A place for this imaginitive, ambitious, sensitive, strong college student to write about her adventures, trials, and successes.
What can I say? I'm an eclectic mix, a proverbial 'mixed bag'. A lot of fun and A LOT of excitement.
What can I say? I'm an eclectic mix, a proverbial 'mixed bag'. A lot of fun and A LOT of excitement.
Today I'm Feeling:
My favorite ports:
Monday, November 22, 2004
I was surfing through blogexplosion the other day when I found a site that truly touched me: Three Beatiful Things. Every day this woman records three things that have given her pleasure. This is amazing. Though it seems like only a small thing it is a huge accomplishment. By recognizing what has made her day worth living she has managed to make it so. You see, mankind, Americans especially, take life and all it's beauty for granted. The only reason life seems so dreary is because we do not take the time to see that it isn't so hopeless and void. Recognizing how beautiful life really is can also help us to live life more day to day (refer to my earlier post on time: "Tick, tick, tick..."). So in lieu of Thanksgiving, in this post I would like to attempt this nifty little trick. If I am successful I would like to continue to recognize at least one great thing about life in every post. Here goes!
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Is heaven hell?
So I've come to the conclusion that heaven cannot be a good place to live. There are two general ideas of heaven. In the Christian's version of heaven (one in which only they can attend) you spend the rest of eternity serving, worshipping, praising God. Okay, wait a minute, isn't that what you're supposed to do to get into heaven? Now I thought heaven was supposed to be a reward for doing those things in your life on Earth. Shouldn't you be rewarded by not having to do those things anymore? Just a thought. Sure it's all nice to live forever and all, but that in itself isn't necessarily a reward unless it is enjoyable. What's the sense in wasting your whole life living for God in order to live forever when that's exactly what you're gonna do in the next life? Shouldn't heaven be a reprieve? Okay, nevermind, maybe I'm insane... perhaps I should live a selfless life on Earth so that I can live a selfless life in heaven, too. Seems to me the only difference between the two would be the lack of temptation to live for yourself in heaven. Oh yay! I don't want to write religion off completely yet, but I have a lot of questions. Anyways, moving on, the other popular idea of heaven is that it is a place without sin, or bad things-just a pretty place where you get what you want. Now at first this seems like a lovely choice, but with furthur investigation it is not without flaw. We complain that the world is a horrible place to live, with all kinds of evil and hardships. But I challenge you to REALLY think about what life would be like without the evil. How would we even know what good was if there was no evil? There would be no comparison. If we always got whatever we wanted, we never got sick, no one died life would be boring to say the least. Getting that lousy flu is what makes you appreciate being healthy. A broken heart makes yearn for love. If nothing ever went wrong there would be no goals, no reason to strive for anything. There wouldn't be a reason to get out of bed in the morning. It sounds strange, I know, to think of living a 'perfect' life yet being depressed. I challenge you to think about it, you'll see what I mean. In order to learn what something is, you must learn what it isn't. Now can you see the flaw with heaven? Eventually you'd wish you had died. When I think about dying it weirds me out a little, I'll admit, to think of not existing, but then again, I won't know I don't exist so I shouldn't worry about it. Anyways, I'm not trying to offend anyone, or denounce religion. I'm just thinking. Someday I may even embrace the belief of heaven, but for now I will keep asking questions. After all it is my job, I'm a college student. I'm supposed to challenge my beliefs and the beliefs of others-I'm not supposed to be sure what I believe in. I think I'm doing my job quite well, thank you! Exercise those brain cells, don't accept everything- challenge it. We don't accept scientific theories unless they've been tested time and again, so why do we just immediately accept religion or history or anything else we've been taught. It's our right and responsibility to think for oursleves.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
Forces in the North are witholding 'tree of mass importance'
Need tree. Need tree to survive! The holiday season, that is. When Christmas is you're favorite holiday, a year without a tree just won't do. Perhaps a visitation embargo would work, maybe threats of war if the "tree of mass importance" isn't handed over... THE TREE IS A MUST! This "group of folks" must surrender or action will be taken. The Santa Clause and a day of hustle and bustle at the mall is simply not enough. Though they are essential to the process, they do not create the atmosphere of Christmas cheer. That is the job of the traditional tree. I know it may seem that the mother unit and I are going a little postal about the Christmas decorations, but you must understand. This year has been especially hard for us, we have had to adjust to all new conditions. When we have the opportunity to do something that reminds us that not EVERYTHING has changed (like celebrating Christmas- believe it or not, there is still Christmas even when you start a new life), we're gonna jump on it like a sale at Victoria's Secret. Don't get me wrong, we would probably be just as mad-crazy-insane in the current situation at any given holiday season, however, this year is crucial, this could be our demise. So even though I would never wish to do anything inapropriate to my sweet grand units, I may be forced to do it if they refuse to release the tree. A Christmas without a tree is like a birthday without a cake, a banana without a peel, a boy without his dog. We are assembling our troops as we speak- this isn't gonna be pretty. Pray they surrender.
Monday, November 15, 2004
Tick, tick, tick
So my Monday was pretty dreary. Since last week was rather laid back in the workload/stress department obviously this week must make up for that. It's really not that bad, just a test on Wednesday and a paper due Friday (plus the usual overabundance of spanish work). I assume that it just feels this way because I am anxious for Thanksgiving break. This weekend was great, spending time with Billy and Mom, sans her ex. But you know, two 4 and half hour trips separated only by two nights of relaxation really isn't satisfying. Granted, Thanksgiving break is only 3 more nights, but it is the longest break we've had since the semester began. I'm excited for the yummy turkey dinner! Not only will the dinner be super, but the company will be amazing! No obligations or expectations, just a good time with those I love. There has even been mention of braving the crazed masses at the mall on Friday. That is one of my favorite traditions. You should try it. Go to the mall with a friend or someone that you can laugh with, the day after Thanksgiving. Go with no intention of actually buying anything, maybe just some window shopping. No stress! If you go completely laid back and watch all the other people scramble around it gives you a pretty clear metaphor for what your life is usually like. Enjoy the fact that you are not one of them. Smile at people, be especially courteous, and take your time. It's truly therapeutic. Of course this is not the only tradition I am looking forward to. Perhaps everyone has their own way to transition into the Christmas spirit, but mine is especially enjoyable-in fact, it can be considered another stress-relieving activity, that is, if you have a good sense of humor. The Santa Clause. One of my FAVORITE Christmas movies, second only to the Grinch. It's a great family movie that really puts me in the Christmas mindset. I'm smiling just thinking about it. "Up on the roof there arose suchak ladder" Good times! So if you don't have any traditions of your own, I would suggest trying these. Anyways, I digress. What I really wanted to talk about deals with time. Because I'm looking forward to next week, I have painted myself into a stress corner, trying to get everything done and fill up my time until that event. As I get closer and closer to being a "real" adult (I am18 but I will admit to not even being close to adulthood yet- my parents are still paying a great deal of my bills) I notice that time goes by faster. I'm sure you've all noticed this also. It's unnerving I think. I remember when I used to get bored because I had nothing to do. Now I wish for those times- those times when Christmas would take forever to get here. Now it's here and gone in the blink of an eye. A gentleman in my english class made a point about this in a speech he gave. He said that it is because we are always planning for the future today. We all have our date books and our to do lists. We are looking so hard at tomorrow that we don't even see today. Tomorrow ROBS us of today! Everyone has heard the worn out phrase "live for today". Well, honestly, I try, but you know what ruins it? School. Due dates. Homework. Think about it. It is mainly school that has instilled this wonderful cycle. You go to class to prepare for the next class, which prepares for the next, which prepares for the test. How can I live for today when I have a paper due tomorrow? I have to think about tomorrow, I may even have to dwell on it. While I'm at school my mind is consumed by what I need to do for tomorrow. The future is not limitless because tomorrow will soon become today, and today is already yesterday. It's fierce and even depressing to think of it this way. Luckily, when I go to Mom's I cannot see this campus, so tomorrow fades a little and today is a little clearer. That is why 5 measly days at my mom's is like heaven. That is why I count down the days (feeding the ugly cycle still) until that fast-as-lightening couple of days where I can get a taste of living in the now. I wish there was a way to conquer tomorrow so that we might enjoy today. Teachers suggest making schedules for yourself. But isn't scheduling your free time just the opposite of what we are trying to do? Is there a way to live in the moment? Really?
Friday, November 12, 2004
I know I touched on this a little in my post 'On Love', but I would like to re-emphasize. Sometimes, no matter how settled in you are to a new environment, you just need to go where you are most loved: home. It took me a long time to settle in here. I generally like change, but it doesn't always come easy. Especially not when it involves moving almost 1000 miles away from the home that I had just recently come to love, not to mention almost ALL of my family. I like to pride myself on being independent, but during the first few weeks after moving into my college dorm I began to think that I had been fooling myself all this time. Sunday nights were the WORST. With Monday looming ahead I was already depressed. Then, on top of that, I was stressed out, my roommate and I weren't really compatible (she goes to bed between 9 and 10 at night), and I missed my family. I just didn't feel at home, despite the close friendship my whole floor hares. I was (am) surrounded by the friendliest, most down-to-earth, intelligent individuals this school has to offer. How could I not feel at home? I couldn't understand it. I am even lucky enough to have my best friend (oh yeah, and she's also my mom) 4 and a half hours away. Which isn't bad considering the 13 hour trip to Maine to see the rest of my family. I always had (have) a great time when I go there. But then there is coming back to school after having a taste of comfort. It was often even harder after spending the weekends there. As much as my biggest complaint was how this wasn't home, that I didn't want to live at school, that what I really wanted was to leave school at the end of the day and go HOME, I wasn't really seeing the problem. After 13 years of being able to leave school after classes to go where I felt most comfortable to be surrounded by those that I love, it has been VERY hard to accept that after classes, I'm still at school. I still eat at the same places that I do during classes, walk by the same buildings. My stress follows me everywhere on campus. On my way to take a break from my work I would pass by the building that housed the very class that I needed to do work for. I couldn't escape it! You know how I found the solution? I ran out of available funds. Without gas money, it's a little hard to get anywhere. But this forced me to adjust. It seems escaping to my mom's EVERY weekend wasn't the solution, even though I always felt better while I was there. Since my roommate goes home every weekend, I had the room to myself. I had a chance to watch television whenever I wanted to, stay up (and in the room) as late as I wanted, leave the door to my room open with my music blaring... all the things I don't normally get to do but that I always want to. I had the chance to make it feel as much like home as I possibly could. Of course it will never be HOME, because my family is not here, but I can be comfortable. This weekend I am returning to my mom's for the first time in a few weeks. I thought I would wait til Thanksgiving, but now I'm just plain getting bored. It also doesn't help that almost everyone here is a resident so they all go home for weekends. Things have been looking up though. I don't get sooo depressed Sunday night anymore, and my roommate and I are getting along great. Turns out that she isn't as anti-social as I first thought! Accepting change is about forcing yourself to do things that make you feel uncomfortable. Otherwise, how will you ever be comfortable?
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
8 Reasons You’ll NEVER confuse me with Paris Hilton
Friday, November 05, 2004
So, I’ve been reading A History of the World in 10 ½ Chapters for my honors english class. In this book, Julian Barnes explores the subjectivity of history. I just finished reading Parenthesis, the “half” chapter that is Barnes’s interlude, in which he analyzes the theme of his book and love (especially love’s role in history). Reading it made my brain feel free. I know that sounds corny, but it’s the best way I can explain it. As Barnes was ‘saying’ things I was nodding my head, smiling, and highlighting the stuff I especially connected with. All this talk of love even made me evaluate my own life. I agree with Barnes that it isn’t necessary to love, but it is better to do so. If it isn’t so important to life, then why is everyone without it always searching for it? I’m not going to try to pretend that I know the first thing about love. Yes, I have a boyfriend, and yes, we are serious. We love each other. How do I know this? Honestly there isn’t one way to explain how love makes you feel. It’s just like when you go home after being away for awhile. It’s that comfortable, euphoric feeling that reminds you how much you enjoy life. Whenever I am feeling down, I always visit or call my boyfriend or family, someone who loves me. For some reason that ALWAYS helps bring things into perspective. It’s like, yeah I’m stressed and depressed, but these people love me. It’s empowering and yet comforting, too. Love is home. I’ve always been told that home isn’t just a house. I see now that home isn’t a house at all. It’s wherever or whatever makes you feel loved. I suppose no one really needs a home. A house should be sufficient, but then where do you go when things get you down, when you can’t face tomorrow? Maybe it’s not that love is necessary to live, but that it’s necessary to live happily. I know, I know, Barnes says that love doesn’t make us happy. He also says, though, that it does give us the capacity to be happy. It’s something we can run to when nothing else is satisfying us. From what I gather, wealth and success does not give that warm feeling that washes over your body, beginning first at the tip of the hairs on your head, the feeling you get when you know someone cares. Alright so I like what Barnes has to say, but I’m not quite ready to abandon my romantic ideas about life and love. I am a naïve and passionate college student, if you couldn’t tell. It’s better than being a cynical, passive old hag, I suppose. These are my thoughts on love! I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter. I will be sharing and quoting the following from it:
Thursday, November 04, 2004
Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.
I Caught Another Disease
Along with my mother's ridiculous obsession with scrapbooking, I have somehow also contracted the blogging bug from her. I could only take so much. Reading post after post, knowing deep down inside I wanted to give in, to create my own space to rant and babble and share my outrageous ideas. I am now broken. Here I am. Blogging. At first I wrote this off as being another one of Mom's crazy internet phases. But, alas, I have been sucked in by the creative, yet nonfictional writing whirlpool. In my defense, I did get half of my genes from her. I mean, some of it can't be helped... right? I love you, Mom.